5 Realizations of Parenting
I want my kids to know that they are just as worthy and as loveable when they are sad or mad or scared.
By Men Living
March 20, 2025
I have three daughters – 21, 20, and 17. I have been speaking to groups of parents since we began our podcast 15 years ago. Along the way, I have come to certain realizations that have helped me become a better dad. Here are a few of my favorites, listed in order of priority:
Realization #1- 60/30/10- Parenting is 60% role modeling, 30% energy of how you communicate, 10% the words you use. Most of us have this upside down.
60% Role Modeling: For the last 15 years on our Zen Parenting Podcast- I open with this quote, “The best prediction of a child’s well-being is a parent’s self-understanding”. Do you want your kid to not fly off the handle? Model how to regulate your nervous system by breathing, meditate regularly, move your body to express your emotions- (emotion = energy in motion). Do you want your kid to find a partner that treats them well and loved them? Treat your partner well and love them. Do you want a kid that loves to read? Let them watch you read.
30% Energy and how you communicate: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Parents often ask, “What do I say when my kid…” Words are not nearly as important as our egos wants them to be. Instead, I focus on the tone and energy of what I’m saying. Non-verbal cues are critical. Communication is 55% body language, 38% tone of voice, and only 7% actual words.
10% the words you use.
Realization #2- Know the answer to this question – What do you want for your kids?
Most people answer, “I just want my kid to be happy.” I do not subscribe to this. I want my kids to be whole – specifically in terms of emotional bandwidth. We have conditioned our kids to think they are only loveable when they are happy. I want my kids to know that they are just as worthy and as loveable when they are sad or mad or scared. At MenLiving we do our best to create spaces not just for the “comfortable” emotions (joy/happiness), we hold space for the uncomfortable ones as well (anger/fear sadness). This is what being a human is all about.
** Note- I did not use “positive” or “negative” to describe emotions as I don’t think any of them are positive or negative. Only comfortable and uncomfortable.
Realization #3- IQ < EQ & BQ
We all are part of a system that prioritized academic intelligence. My wife and I have been intentional about emotional intelligence (identify how we feel) and body intelligence (ability to express those emotions through our body). We tell our daughters that school is a game that you must play, but it has nothing to do with their inherent worth and is less important than how they treat themselves and others. Sure I helped them with their homework when they asked, but I paid no attention to Power School or ask them about their grades. Instead I support them with the process vs the outcome – academics is their job, not mine.
** Note- And I know there will be robots/AI that will also be learning how to help us with EQ and BQ, but I believe these spaces are and will be reserved for human-to-human connection. I believe a high EQ will put my three daughters on a trajectory for a wonderful life.
Realization #4- Cultivate self-acceptance and self-compassion
I am my own worst critic. If you screw something up, no problem, if I do, it’s a major problem. It is disingenuous to teach/preach this to our kids and not be able to do it ourselves. Our kids are smart, and they can sniff out insincerity from a mile away. We cannot shift our patterns/behaviors/beliefs without first accepting ourselves. This is a lifelong journey for me, but I’m working on it.
Realization #5- Quit teaching so much – keep ‘em safe and get out of their way!
For goodness’ sake, stop teaching so much and accept that your kids are on their own journey. It’s not always a reflection of your parenting – they are learning how to be themselves. Let them fall and love them as they get up. The world is tough, and the lessons will arrive for them. My goal is that when they come up bruised and battered from the world that they feel safe enough to return home and not feel judged or criticized and instead accepted and loved.
Conclusion
I don’t know your child—only you do. Your role is to figure out how to raise them in a way that works for your family. What works for me and my child might not work for you and yours. Just be mindful not to pass down your own unprocessed fears, traumas, or sadness (what I like to call baggage) onto your child. Life is already challenging enough, and your kids will collect their own baggage along the way—they don’t need to carry yours too.
So, trust yourself. Be okay with making mistakes. Focus on building connection over chasing outcomes. Pay attention to what your child needs in each moment, and you’ll find your way.
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