How Setting Boundaries Transformed My Life
The surprising freedom in setting limits.
By Juliana Alcantara
January 26, 2025
For most of my life, I would be the kind of person everyone would go to for help because they knew I wouldn’t say no.
Look: in theory, it’s not bad. But always being there for everyone, taking on more work than I should, I felt mentally and emotionally exhausted.
That meant I prioritized solving other people’s issues or tasks over my own and left myself on the back burner.
Now I wonder why I used to do that. I probably believed that agreeing to everything was the right thing to do because I feared letting others down.
And maybe — deep down, I thought my worth was tied to being constantly available and helpful.
My wake-up call came when I emigrated from my country by myself.
Moving to such a different place meant leaving my comfort zone. I left behind the familiar faces, culture, and social dynamics I was used to.
People will not tell you “no” to your face from where I come from. They will come up with an excuse or a reason why they can’t help you.
On the other hand, people here will be a little (maybe a lot) more direct and more likely to respect your boundaries.
Another thing that opened my eyes to this type of behavior was going to therapy.
Not only did I realize that I was a people pleaser, but I also realized that I had a habit of taking on everyone else’s problems.
I often said “yes” when I wanted to say “no” and felt responsible for making others happy.
It was an aha moment. This is why I felt so drained all the time.
The Power of “No”
I realized- with my therapist’s help- that if I wanted to feel better, I needed to work on boundaries and learn the power of saying “no.”
At first, it was not easy. It was very uncomfortable, to say the least. Just thinking about saying no to people filled me with anxiety.
Would they be hurt or upset with me? Would they not want to talk to me?
Why We Struggle to Say No
According to Dr. Susan Newman, a social psychologist and author of The Book of No, many of us feel this pressure because we’re wired to seek acceptance.
We fear rejection or hurting others’ feelings, so we keep saying yes, even at our own expense.
My first exercise of setting boundaries was very simple: I had to say, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this right now.” Then I immediately felt a rush of guilt.
But over time, the more I did this, the more I realized that saying no wasn’t about being mean; it was about being honest with myself and others.
What Are Boundaries Anyway?
Dr. Brené Brown, a researcher known for her work on vulnerability and courage, describes boundaries as “what’s okay and what’s not okay.”
This helped me understand that boundaries weren’t about being selfish but protecting my values and well-being.
Once I got this, I was more intentional with my time and energy. This shift wasn’t easy — don’t get me wrong, I’m still learning. Still, it was life-changing.
How Boundaries Changed My Life
Are you thinking about doing the same? Doing this made a huge impact on my life, and it could change your life too. Here are some examples:
Mental Health
Asserting myself helped me take control of my mental health. Now, I only had to worry about my well-being.
I finally had time for things that truly mattered to me. This meant more self-care, rest, and activities that brought me joy.
Not convinced yet?
There’s research showing that people who set boundaries experience lower levels of stress, anxiety, and even depression.
Another study published in Personality and Social Psychology Review, those who communicate assertively have higher levels of self-esteem and well-being.
In my case, learning to prioritize my own needs made all the difference.
Relationships
I used to think setting boundaries would hurt my relationships, but boy, was I wrong.
Before, I often agreed to things out of obligation, and this led to resentment on my part, and the other person felt that something was off.
So, after changing my behavior, my relationships became healthier and more personal.
I was no longer saying yes out of guilt but because I genuinely wanted to help or connect.
Work-Life Balance
If there’s one place where being a people-pleaser can really backfire, it’s at work.
One might think that saying no would make you less productive, but the opposite happens.
When you’re not overwhelmed, everything gets clearer.
You can see the big picture, manage your time better, and better understand your strengths and weaknesses.
It also becomes much easier to figure out what to delegate — and who’s the right person for each task.
I learned that when you communicate your capacity the right way, most people respect it. I felt more in control and less overwhelmed at work.
Personal Fulfillment
In the past, I often felt like I had no energy or time for myself, which made me feel empty.
It’s incredible how much you learn about yourself when you finally start making yourself a priority.
When I had this extra time, I thought: “Now what?”. Then, I started to explore new hobbies and new interests.
I also started taking care of my skin and my health.
Now I feel way more fulfilled and happy.
How to Start Setting Boundaries
If you can relate to my past self, it’s time to consider asserting your needs too. Believe me, it’s worth it!
Don’t know how to start? Here are some things that helped me:
1. Get Clear on What Matters to You
Take some time to figure out what truly matters to you. What do you need to feel happy, balanced, and energized?
It might be time to relax, focus on a hobby, or just have some personal space. Or it might be the total opposite, like embracing new challenges or meeting new people.
2. Start Small and Simple
You shouldn’t make significant changes right away; that can feel overwhelming or even impossible (even though it’s not).
Start with small, manageable steps, like saying no to a minor request or setting aside 15 minutes just for yourself each day.
These little actions build confidence over time; soon enough, setting bigger boundaries will feel natural.
3. Be Direct and Straightforward
When you’re ready to communicate a boundary, keep it simple and honest.
If you’re a people pleaser, you might feel the urge to over-explain or apologize. Do not do that.
A clear “I’m unable to take this on right now” does the job. People will understand; if they don’t, that’s on them — not you.
4. Stick to Your Boundaries
Once you’ve set a boundary, you must stay consistent.
You probably thought setting the limit was the most challenging part, but no. Sticking with it is.
People will push back or test your limits. This is because they are not used to you being assertive.
By standing your ground, you show others that your needs are valid and deserve respect.
5. Be Kind to Yourself
It’s totally normal to feel a whole set of emotions at first, like guilt, uneasiness, or self-doubt. I know I did.
However, setting boundaries is a skill; like any new skill, it takes time, practice, and patience to get comfortable with it.
If you slip up or feel unsure, don’t beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself, and remember that each step makes it easier.
The Ripple Effect
Setting boundaries didn’t just shift one area of my life — it transformed everything. Life feels a whole lot more fulfilling.
It brought balance, boosted my mental well-being, and made my relationships stronger and more genuine.
By choosing where your time and energy go, you make room for a more joyful and complete life. And, honestly, that’s something we all deserve.
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