What Qualities Should I Look For in a Life Partner?
By Chantelle Pattemore
April 27, 2023
Certain traits and qualities, like respect and empathy, can help your relationship flourish in the long-term and benefit your mental well-being.
When dating somebody new, you might have a list of qualities you�d like them to possess � such as �makes me laugh�, �great in the bedroom�, or �gets along with my friends�.
Sure, these are worth taking into consideration. But when you start thinking about this person as your life partner, there are other �deeper� qualities to bear in mind.
�When doing your relationship due diligence, there are a few things to look for in a partner,� states Dr. David Rakofsky, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Wellington Counseling Group. �These could help make whatever time you have together feel enjoyable and reasonably free from relationship tumult.�
Traits to look for in a life partner
1. They have a solid foundation
In human terms, this has nothing to do with bricks and mortar. Instead, it�s about having strong physical, emotional, social, financial, and purposeful roots, states Lori Kret, LCSW, BCC, and co-founder of Aspen Relationship Institute.
�This doesn�t mean they have to be the most popular, rich, fit, and successful person,� she notes. �But they have to be able to stand on their own in each aspect of life or be actively working on doing so.�
While these aspects will benefit your partner, they�re also advantageous to you. �Being in a relationship with someone who takes responsibility for their own wellness means you won�t have to fill the gaps of their self-worth, confidence and security,� Kret explains.
2. They can communicate effectively
As the saying goes, communication is key. And, while your partner needs to be able to express themselves, it�s equally important that they can listen to your needs and concerns.
Sharing feelings and needs clearly and straightforwardly aids in �improving feelings of intimacy and closeness,� explains Parisa Ghanbari, a registered psychotherapist in Toronto, Canada.
�Partners who are good at communication make our lives easier,� she continues. �There�s no guesswork and confusion in trying to understand them and their needs.�
Of course, good communication takes work. But various steps, such as having regular check-ins, can help keep things on track.
3. They share your values
No couple is 100% going to agree on everything all the time, and it would likely be very boring if they did. But having similar beliefs and attitudes towards the key �life� pillars is vital, believes Rakofsky.
For instance, he notes, �from how to raise the children you may decide to have, to whether or not charity and other forms of giving ought to be a part of making a valuable and well-lived life together.�
One partner can influence the other in some aspects, Rakofsky continues. But �it truly helps when you�re starting off with your values identified and, in the best of circumstances, overlapping significantly.�
4. They demonstrate respect
Aretha Franklin sang that we all need respect � and she wasn�t wrong. But it�s not about expecting your partner to respect you more than they respect themselves.
Instead, shares Dr. Ashley Head, a licensed clinical psychologist with Thriveworks in Hoffman Estates, they should consider your opinions, values, and feelings and act accordingly.
It�s also important your partner demonstrates respect for your personal boundaries.
�Each partner must agree to not cross those boundaries, regardless of disappointment, hurt feelings, or in times of anger,� Head asserts.
Receiving respect is also vital in helping you maintain self-respect and knowing your value and worth.
5. They show empathy
Simply put, demonstrating empathy is the ability to recognize and understand another person�s emotions and needs.
While it might not be a quality that first springs to mind, empathy is critical to relationship success. A 2022 studyTrusted Source found that empathy is linked to relationship satisfaction.
Partners who are empathetic are more likely to experience loneliness and insecurity if they�re dissatisfied in their relationship, compared to those who lack empathy.
In addition, �having an empathetic partner helps us feel more heard and understood in the relationship,� states Ghanbari. This not only aids in bringing a sense of fulfillment, but also helps build trust and respect.
6. They recognize and appreciate their imperfections
We�re not talking about someone who thinks they�re perfect and never strives to improve themselves when necessary. Instead, these individuals can �see their own flaws with grace and without self-deprecation, shame, blame, or avoidance,� Kret reveals.
If your partner can do this, you�ll both reap the rewards. �They will have enough confidence and self-love to be able to acknowledge when they�ve made a mistake,� she continues.
Plus, �they will be much more likely to provide the same safe space for you to be imperfect and be less likely to deflect blame and responsibility.�
7. They�re open to influence
�With some partners, it�s either their way or the highway,� Ghanbari notes. For instance, she says, �have you ever dealt with a partner who knows your needs and wants and refuses to give you what you ask them?�
But being with someone willing to accept your needs and consider your opinions is vital. In addition to boosting your feelings of self-worth and self-respect, it also �leads to more satisfaction and happiness as you feel essential to [them],� says Ghanbari.
8. They give affection in the way you need
We all like to show and receive affection in different ways: some are very touchy-feely, while others demonstrate love through practical actions. But if these don�t align within a relationship, it can lead to frustration and even feelings of rejection.
�Find a partner who, roughly speaking, communicates their appreciation and desire for you in a way that is compatible with what makes you feel seen and loved,� shares Rakofsky. �This is one of the bedrock ideas behind The Five Love Languages [devised by] Gary Chapman in the 1980s.�
9. They listen and are open during arguments
If your partner doesn�t actively listen during disagreements and simply waits for their next opportunity to give their two cents, it �does not give space to problem-solving,� states Head.
Furthermore, feeling like your point of view isn�t being appreciated can create feelings of frustration, resentment, disrespect, and that you�re �not being seen�.
�Remaining open and curious allows for more information to be taken in and allows one to see new perspectives,� Head continues. This can be particularly beneficial in �remedying difficult situations.�
What does a healthy relationship look like?
While it�s important to look for and recognize favorable traits in your partner, it�s also crucial to recognize the responsibility isn�t solely on them. In a successful relationship, it takes two to tango.
�Singles can enter the dating world with a myopic view of what they need and want,� states Kret. �This is especially true if they are coming off a bad breakup or have wounds from past relationships.�
It�s important to also �take a deep look into whether you�re capable of providing the same,� she continues.
So does this mean you should have the exact same traits and attributes as your partner? Definitely not, says Rakofsky.
�People come with all kinds of strengths and weaknesses,� he states. �The best relationships are not necessarily made up of people who are the same, but by people with strengths that help to support the shortfalls of their partners.�
Head agrees. �I ask partners to identify how much overlap they need in the relationship. For example, I had a couple where partner A valued being social and partner B valued independence,� she recalls.
�In this case, they agreed this was a healthy difference � as it challenged partner A to become more talkative and attend networking events, while partner B appreciated more alone time to grow personal hobbies.�
Let�s recap
Recognizing qualities that are significant and meaningful to you can help in determining whether your partner is the right person to be by your side for life�s journey.
Relationships are a two-way street, so it�s crucial that you can also offer similar valuable traits and not expect your partner to do all the hard work.
If your partner doesn�t have all the attributes you�d like, it doesn�t mean you have to break up: different (but complementary) traits can be key to success.
Plus, if your significant other isn�t meeting your needs in a specific respect, couples counseling might help you move forward. �It always helps to get the third-party perspective on a relationship and identify unhealthy and healthy relationship dynamics to see if we can improve them,� Ghanbari assures.
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