Forgiving Others: Misconceptions and Tips

By Elizabeth Lloyd Lund

We can find healing and peace as we better understand and apply the principle of forgiveness.

Each of us has experienced the anxious, frustrated feeling of being offended or hurt. In my work as a counselor for LDS Family Services, I have found that the issue of not forgiving others arises repeatedly. Not forgiving prevents true healing. We know that we must forgive and that forgiveness is healthy for us, yet when it comes down to the work and effort it takes to forgive, many continue to hold on to the pain. As I’ve worked with families and individuals, I’ve found several common misconceptions about forgiveness and several ideas we can apply to help us as we seek to forgive.

Misconceptions

1. I still remember what happened, so that means I haven’t forgiven. 

Our brains are programmed to remember in order for us to learn. There is a difference between occasionally remembering an event and ruminating on it. Once we forgive, we won’t need to continually think about and analyze the event.

“The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. …

“… To be tied to earlier mistakes is the worst kind of wallowing in the past from which we are called to cease and desist.” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

2. If I forgive, then I give up the protection I have against those who hurt me. 

Holding on to pain and hurt sometimes helps victims feel more secure. By withholding forgiveness, we protect the wound, but it also won’t heal because we are constantly thinking about the hurt and reopening the wound.

“Let us bind up the wounds … that have been caused by cutting words, by stubbornly cultivated grievances, by scheming plans to ‘get even’ with those who may have wronged us. … Fortunately, we all have the power to rise above it, if we will ‘clothe [ourselves] with the bond of charity, as with a mantle, which is the bond of perfectness and peace.’  President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008)

3. If I forgive, then I have to admit that what happened was acceptable in some way. 

Forgiveness means pardoning an offense. To forgive, we must first acknowledge that what happened was wrong and caused pain. We pardon the fault because we too are imperfect. We turn the judgment over to God and allow Him to relieve the burden.

“To forgive is not to condone. We do not rationalize bad behavior or allow others to mistreat us because of their struggles, pains, or weaknesses.” Elder Kevin R. Duncan

4. If I forgive, then I must bring the perpetrator of the hurt back into my life with open arms. 

Forgiveness and trust are two different things. We can forgive without developing a trusting relationship. If someone continually hurts us, God commands us to forgive, but we are also responsible to set boundaries to keep ourselves safe.

“The Savior asks us to forsake and combat evil in all its forms, and although we must forgive a neighbor who injures us, we should still work constructively to prevent that injury from being repeated.” Elder David E. Sorensen

5. I cannot forgive; they have not repented or changed their behavior. Forgiveness is not earned. It is given. God—not us—will judge whether a person has repented. Regardless of how unrepentant a person is, we can move forward and seek peace.

“I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

“And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.”—Doctrine and Covenants 64:10–11

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