How to rebuild trust in a relationship: 8 steps to heal
By Elizabeth Perry, ACC
May 8, 2025
Trust—the invisible thread that holds relationships together—can sometimes fray or even snap under pressure. When trust breaks, it leaves both people feeling vulnerable, uncertain, and questioning everything they’ve built together. But rebuilding trust in a relationship is possible, and the process can lead to a stronger, more authentic connection than you had before.
Whether it’s a romantic partnership teetering on the edge or a friendship that’s hit a rough patch, the journey of rebuilding trust begins with understanding what went wrong and making a conscious choice to heal. It’s about meeting challenges head-on, embracing vulnerability, and committing to growth—both individually and together.
What causes broken trust in relationships?
Before you can rebuild trust in your relationship, you need to understand what damaged it in the first place. Broken trust can happen in the small moments, as a result of unkept promises, white lies, and defensiveness during arguments, or all at once through major breaches of trust like betrayal and infidelity.
No matter how it happens, healing begins with self-awareness. Taking an honest look at your own patterns, reactions, and role in the relationship creates space for repair. When both partners are willing to reflect on how their behavior has impacted the other, it opens the door to real change and lays the groundwork for trust to be restored.
1. Broken promises
When someone says one thing and does another, it chips away at emotional safety. Maybe your partner says they’ll be there for something important—or your friend promises to pass along your resume—but they don’t follow through.
Life happens, and sometimes things fall through for valid reasons. But when broken promises become a pattern, it sends a clear message: you can’t rely on them. Over time, that inconsistency can lead to hurt, disappointment, and a growing sense of disconnection.
2. Betrayal or infidelity
Few things rattle the foundation of a romantic relationship like infidelity. When trust is broken by cheating or betrayal, it doesn’t just cause pain—it creates a rupture that can leave both partners feeling disoriented, distant, and unsure of what’s next. The emotional aftermath of a breach of trust often shows up as doubt, resentment, or fear that the relationship may never feel the same again.
But healing and forgiveness are possible if both partners wish to move forward. Rebuilding trust after betrayal takes time, consistency, and a shared commitment to repair. It requires open communication, emotional honesty, and space to process difficult emotions like anger, resentment, and grief.
For some couples, support from a therapist or relationship coach can be a crucial part of the healing journey after cheating. Professional support can help both partners feel safe enough to speak openly and take responsibility for their actions.
3. Toxic patterns and behaviors
Trust can’t grow in a relationship that feels emotionally unsafe. When interactions are marked by blame, defensiveness, or passive-aggressive behavior, both people can end up walking on eggshells. You may start to question yourself, shut down, or act in ways that don’t reflect who you are, just to avoid conflict.
Toxic dynamics don’t always stem from one person. Sometimes, stress or emotional disconnection brings out reactive behaviors in both partners. Over time, patterns like impulsiveness, negativity, or lack of empathy can erode the sense of safety needed to feel connected and supported.
In some cases, these dynamics escalate into deeper breaches of trust, such as:
. Being criticized or belittled
. Having your feelings dismissed or used against you
. Experiencing gaslighting, where your reality is questioned
. Feeling like your needs aren’t considered
Rebuilding trust means creating space for honesty, care, and emotional safety, allowing both people to show up without fear of being shut down.
4. Unresolved past trauma
Sometimes, broken trust in a current relationship isn’t just about what’s happening now. It’s shaped by what’s happened before. Past experiences—especially those involving hurt, betrayal, or emotional neglect—can shape how you show up in relationships today.
Unresolved trauma can lead to a deep fear of abandonment or rejection, which can lead to protective behaviors like emotional withdrawal, controlling tendencies, or difficulty opening up. These patterns often form without conscious awareness, rooted in a desire to avoid getting hurt again.
You might find yourself reluctant to trust, quick to assume the worst, or constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. These patterns can create strain in relationships, especially when your partner or friend doesn’t understand where they’re coming from.
If this feels familiar, it’s important to meet yourself with compassion. The ways you’ve coped in the past were strategies meant to protect you. But moving forward means creating new ways of relating—ones built on self-awareness, emotional safety, and the willingness to heal.
5. Communication gaps
At the core of every healthy relationship is the ability to communicate openly and honestly. But when communication styles clash, or when one person avoids hard conversations while the other seeks direct connection, it can create frustration, misunderstandings, and distance.
Over time, you may feel like you’re speaking different languages. And when efforts to connect are met with silence, defensiveness, or withdrawal, it can feel like you’re being pushed away by someone you’re trying to reach.
These gaps aren’t always intentional. Sometimes, struggles with communication are the result of past trauma, personality differences, or unspoken expectations. But even without bad intent, the impact hurts.
When your attempts to express yourself are met with dismissal or confusion, it becomes harder to feel safe and to trust that your needs will be heard. You may start to pull back emotionally or even feel betrayed by a partner who doesn’t seem to understand what matters most to you.
To regain trust, both people need to feel safe enough to speak openly and curious enough to listen, especially when the conversation is hard. Bridging those gaps takes patience, emotional maturity, and a shared willingness to meet in the middle.
6. Unmet relationship needs
We all have needs—it’s part of being human. If your relationships don’t leave you feeling fulfilled and appreciated, you might start withdrawing or putting less effort into them. Over time, this can create distance between you and others.
But it’s important to assess whether it’s appropriate to rely on a relationship to meet certain needs. Being an adult means we are responsible for making sure all our needs are met, and we cannot give this responsibility to others.
For example, if you constantly seek validation from your friends, you may need to address the larger problem: low self-esteem. Feeling self-conscious can also lead to toxic relationship behaviors like over-competitiveness and defensiveness.
How to rebuild trust in a relationship: 8 steps
Rebuilding trust doesn’t happen in one conversation. It takes time, intention, and consistent effort from both people. Whether you’re recovering from a breach of trust or simply trying to reconnect after a difficult season, these steps can help you lay a stronger foundation and move forward with more honesty, empathy, and care.
1. Communicate openly
There’s no room for lies in a good relationship, even lies by omission.
We may believe we’re protecting someone by hiding the truth from them, but this robs the other person of something that could deeply impact their life, writes clinical psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera. More often than not, we leave out the truth to protect ourselves and not our partner or friend.
But communicating openly is about asking clearly for what we truly want and need, instead of hoping for the other person to guess it. If you’re struggling with this, consider why you’re reluctant to communicate. Is it due to fear of how they’ll react? You may be making assumptions about how they’ll respond to you instead of basing your fear on reality.
Don’t mistake honest communication for being overly critical. Open communication doesn’t attack the other person or their character but focuses instead on actions or behaviors. On the other hand, criticisms typically use phrases like:
. You always …
. You never…
. Why do you …
. Why don’t you …
Starting a conversation with one of these phrases puts the other person on the defensive, writes Kendra Han, the director of couples services at The Gottman Institute. Avoiding these phrases—and improving your communication overall—can help restore broken trust and rebuild intimacy over time.
2. Own your mistakes and apologize sincerely
If your idea of conflict resolution doesn’t involve an apology, you might want to rethink your strategy. True conflict resolution requires owning our mistakes and making sincere apologies. Even if we reach common ground with the other person, accepting responsibility and apologizing goes a long way toward rebuilding trust.
Some people may not fully consider how to make a sincere apology. They’re afraid to show vulnerability or are ashamed of the behavior they need to apologize for. They may give you a non-apology, which sounds like “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or they avoid apologizing altogether.
The thing is, avoiding apologies can destroy relationships. To begin healing and restore trust, Dr. LePera writes that you need to show vulnerability and be brave enough to engage in difficult conversations.
A sincere apology involves:
. Acknowledging your actions
. Expressing regret for the hurt you caused
. Outlining the steps you’ll take to avoid repeating the mistake
3. Be willing to share hard truths
Rebuilding trust often requires going beneath the surface. It’s one thing to communicate regularly. It’s another to speak honestly about the things that feel tender or uncomfortable.
Maybe you’re holding on to a hurt you haven’t shared. Maybe you made a mistake you haven’t fully owned. These are the moments where trust is either rebuilt or eroded further.
When you tell the truth, even when it’s hard, you show your partner that you’re committed to healing, not just harmony. You create space for deeper connection by choosing vulnerability over avoidance. And that, over time, is what helps trust grow back stronger.
4. Practice forgiveness
Forgiveness isn’t just vital for healthy relationships; it’s vital for personal health, too. Even if you decide to end a toxic relationship rather than repair it, forgiveness helps you let go of resentment and other negative emotions so you can heal.
This includes learning to forgive yourself for the ways you may have contributed to the situation or ignored red flags. Self-forgiveness is a powerful part of the healing process and a necessary step toward moving forward with clarity and compassion.
When we refuse to or simply can’t forgive, we continue to experience resentment, anger, despair, sorrow, and confusion. These emotions can negatively impact our health, not to mention our relationships. A recent study by Everett Worthington, Ph.D., a professor in the Department of Psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University, found that practicing forgiveness leads to better mental health and improved well-being.
Ultimately, forgiveness allows you to reset a relationship and start fresh. You can begin to forgive by acknowledging how holding onto anger harms you. Reframe the situation by focusing on the future rather than the past. This also helps you accept relationships as they are and replace negative thoughts with positive thinking.
5. Spend quality time together
Our lives can be demanding, and between work, taking care of kids, and household chores, we can start to feel distant from our partners and friends. If you crave closeness and communication, consider scheduling quality time.
Quality time is one of the five love languages Dr. Gary Chapman discusses in his book, “The 5 Love Languages.” While the book focuses on romantic relationships, quality time is important for friendships, too.
When you engage in quality time, you give the other person your undivided attention. This doesn’t mean you need to sit face-to-face and make constant eye contact. Quality time can involve sharing an activity as well.
Chapman notes that no matter how people spend time together, the most important thing is focusing on each other. This tells the other person in the relationship you care about them and enjoy spending time with them.
6. Demonstrate acts of kindness and appreciation
Good relationships seek to meet your need for connection, whether you express it verbally or nonverbally. Along with setting aside quality time, friends or partners can connect through acts of kindness and appreciation.
This can involve words like stating how and why they appreciate you. It can also involve actions, such as sending a long-distance friend flowers when you hear their pet passed away.
Even small acts of kindness, like a quick text to let a friend know you’re thinking of them, can add up to a big impact. For example, speaker and author Brené Brown uses a marble jar as a metaphor for building trust, where each act of kindness and trust earned adds a marble to the jar, and when the jar is full, true trust exists, allowing for deeper vulnerability and connection.
7. Set healthy boundaries
Boundaries are a key quality of healthy relationships. Without them, you let others take advantage of your time, space, and emotions. When you set boundaries, you inform others about how you function best. This helps you (and others) avoid draining your mental well-being, whether on purpose or by accident.
Your boundaries may look different for each relationship, and that’s okay. It may even be ideal. There’s no reason you should feel the need to maintain the same boundaries with your friends that you do with your loved ones.
Boundaries foster connection between two people by maintaining individuality. We need to understand where our personality ends and theirs begins, writes Brené Brown in her book, “Atlas of the Heart.” She adds that a sense of autonomy promotes compassion and empathy in the relationship.
Healthy boundaries also tell you when it’s time to end a relationship. They allow you to identify relationship red flags and give you the confidence to move on.
8. Try couples therapy or relationship coaching
Contrary to what many believe, couples therapy doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is broken. Instead, it is a proactive investment.
With the right guidance, couples counseling gives you the tools to overcome challenges and nurture a healthy, happy relationship. Therapy supports your relationship by providing the following:
. A safe space for honest and open communication with your couples therapist as a neutral guide
. An opportunity to navigate disagreements in a productive way using conflict resolution skills
. A supportive environment where your couples counselor walks through communication exercises for rebuilding trust and encourages you to be accountable
. A safe place to explore emotional needs and address barriers to intimacy so you can rekindle love and passion
If your partner isn’t open to seeking professional help together, a relationship coach may be a helpful alternative. These coaches help you understand your relationships and resolve interpersonal issues.
Tools for lasting change across relationships
Rebuilding trust in a relationship is just the beginning. To sustain that trust over time, you need tools that support growth, emotional safety, and mutual understanding. These skills don’t just repair what’s broken—they help prevent future missteps and deepen connection across all types of relationships.
Build your communication skills
Without clear and transparent conversations, our emotions, responses, and actions are based on assumptions. We may try to assume how the other person is feeling or misunderstand the intention behind their actions. Developing communication skills helps us build healthy relationships where we feel empowered to clarify intent and check in on others’ emotions.
While communication is a two-way street, we can’t control how others react or feel, but we can control our own actions and emotions, says Catherine Molloy in her 2022 TED Talk, “Think Before You Speak.”
One way you can foster transparent communication in your relationships is by actively listening to the other person and trying to understand their point of view. Other communication exercises you can practice together include:
. Check-ins: Share your successes and challenges of the day. This allows you to open up to the other person and continuously improve your relationship.
. Clarifying whether they want advice: Sometimes, all we want is to vent, so it’s helpful to ask your partner or friend if they want you to listen or are asking for advice.
. Sharing laughter: Laughing together can increase bonding. Similarly, not being afraid to be silly in front of each other means your relationship is built on confidence and trust.
Practice self-care and emotional regulation
Self-care is critical to maintaining healthy relationships. As they say, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Prioritizing self-care enables you to turn inward when you need validation or a self-esteem boost rather than relying on others. This strengthens your personal boundaries and helps you honor others’ boundaries as well.
Additionally, emotional regulation fosters healthy relationships with others and with yourself. This is the ability to control your emotions in a positive way. It doesn’t mean numbing your feelings, but finding healthy ways to diffuse strong emotions and manage relationship anxiety.
This type of emotional maturity is essential for creating long-lasting relationships. It’s also a huge draw when it comes to dating: A 2023 study by Match.com found that 82% of singles want a romantic partner who’s emotionally mature.
Cultivate empathy
Empathy lets you see relationship problems from your friend’s or partner’s perspective. If you’re trying to resolve conflict, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to understand their perspective.
Engage in active, empathetic listening and ask clarifying questions to understand how your actions make your partner feel. Even if you don’t agree, acknowledge their feelings and avoid getting defensive.
Express gratitude
If you’re experiencing a rough patch, take a step back and appreciate the good things. Expressing gratitude reminds you why you value the relationship and can shift your focus from negativity to positivity.
You can show gratitude for your romantic partner or friend by:
. Sharing the specific aspects of your relationship you find most beneficial
. Letting them know how much you appreciate specific qualities they exhibit
. Engaging in acts of kindness, like making them dinner or picking up their groceries
Identify your relationship needs
Relationships thrive when each person’s needs are fulfilled. But sometimes, identifying both your and your partner’s needs can feel like deciphering a secret code. This is where open communication and self-reflection can help.
Start by paying attention to your emotions: What makes you feel happy, loved, appreciated, and secure? What makes you feel lonely, frustrated, or resentful? You can identify non-negotiables in your partnership by reflecting on past relationships to determine what worked well and what didn’t.
You can also reflect on some common relationship needs to see which ones resonate with you, such as:
. Affection and intimacy: Openly discuss what makes you feel most loved and appreciated, and actively seek ways to meet each other’s needs for intimacy.
. Respect and trust: Feeling valued, heard, and supported is essential. Communicate your expectations and boundaries to build trust and healthy bonds.
. Shared values and goals: Make it a habit to discuss your relationship values and vision for the future. Talk about ways to support each other’s growth while nurturing shared aspirations and personal goals.
. Fun and adventure: Make time to play, explore new things, and find ways to laugh together. These experiences create lasting memories.
You don’t have to learn how to fix a relationship alone
An objective third party can help you identify your needs and work toward fulfillment to cultivate relationships that thrive on mutual understanding, appreciation, and love. A BetterUp coach can also help you focus on personal growth to better give back to the relationships you value.
With science-based tools and exercises, your coach helps you develop conflict resolution, active listening, and emotional regulation skills. Additionally, a relationship with your BetterUp coach can push you out of your comfort zone to help you realize your true potential and become the best version of yourself.
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