4 Keys to Constructive Conversations on Difficult Topics
How can we interact more effectively during difficult discussions?
By Ilene Berns-Zare PsyD
October 6, 2025
KEY POINTS
Learning how to have constructive discussion on difficult topics is a process that can benefit from practice.
Mindful awareness can help us slow down and observe our experience with greater calm.
Rather than finding fault, experts suggest that trying to understand a person’s viewpoint is more effective.
How do you navigate difficult conversations? During these divisive and tumultuous times, it can be hard to communicate productively with others, especially with those whose perspectives differ significantly from our own. Whatever the topic, whatever our viewpoints or theirs, there’s typically nothing easy about these discussions. And often the parties walk away feeling unheard, along with some mixture of feeling frustration, anger, sadness, resentment, grief, defensiveness, loss, overwhelm, or other uncomfortable emotions.
In this brief post, you will not find all the answers. Like many of us, this writer struggles to build rapport and bridges of connection during difficult conversations. Learning how to create constructive discussion on difficult topics is a process. Here are a few key ideas:
Key 1: Being mindfully present
It can help to begin with awareness about how you’re showing up for a discussion.
One way to do this is to be mindfully present—to be right here, right now. Mindful presence can help us slow down, focus on this moment, and observe our experience (whatever it is) with greater calm and compassionate, wise attention (King, 2018). Mindfulness can help us create spaciousness within ourselves. According to mindfulness teacher, Sharon Salzburg:
“The quality of kindness gives us the ability to take abstract ideals like compassion or ‘love thy neighbor’ and make them authentic and palpable and vibrant each and every day…” (Salzberg, 2010)
A good strategy is to become aware of a calming anchor point. For many, the anchor might be simply noticing that we are breathing. For others, an anchor might be, for example, to notice their feet on the ground or their hands touching their heart space or belly. If breath is your anchor, then you might quietly become aware of accepting the feeling of your own breath, just as it is, as you inhale and exhale (Hanson, 2023). You might notice your breaths as you inhale and exhale and invite yourself to accept them as they are. For example, I notice that I am inhaling and the gliding in of my breath. I notice that I am exhaling and the gliding out of my breath.
What if you find yourself struggling while engaging in a difficult conversation?
The first step may be to pause, simply noticing your experience. Perhaps a sensation of heat is rising in your mind and body. Maybe you’re feeling stirred up or angry, or your heart is beating more quickly. Noticing discomfort can be an opportunity to choose to mindfully pause. It may be helpful to shift your focus to your calming anchor, a few cycles of breathing, or another calming anchor you’ve chosen. Or, if needed, you may prefer to respectfully step away from the situation for a few moments or take as much time as you need.
Key 2: Being present as a learner, not an expert
One key to effective communication is listening. Notice that I mentioned listening, not speaking. That is, listening with the intention to try to understand, not simply with the intent to speak. Intentional, mindful listening is critical to effective communication. In other words, listening with the aim of understanding may be more important to create constructive dialogue than what you say.
Key 3: Accepting that people are who they are
This kind of acceptance, accepting people as they are, does not mean agreeing with them or their viewpoints. It doesn’t mean liking them or agreeing with their actions. It does not mean agreeing with their impact on you. Rather, acceptance may be more about accepting that people are who they are—“the reality of them” (Hanson, 2023). And then from this perspective, aspiring to create space for listening, respectful conversation, and an openness to try to understand each other’s viewpoint, even during disagreements.
Take a moment to consider how you feel when someone you are sharing with tries to accept and understand you, rather than to change you. Rather than finding fault or trying to “make” others become different, or like you wish they would be, some experts suggest that trying to understand where they are is more effective. This can be quite difficult, but it may help propel movement toward greater understanding.
David Wolpe (2023) suggests that in conversations about divisive issues, it’s not about winning; rather, it’s a process like “wearing away at a stone.” Wolpe offers that we need to give people space to find their way—that we might leave them with a thought they can carry with them and space to possibly discover something different.
Key 4: Being respectfully curious
Asking mostly open-ended questions can be helpful. Then carefully listen to the other person’s response and show that you’re trying to understand. One process has been termed “looping for understanding” (Duhigg, 2024). You might paraphrase what you think you heard them say in your own words. Then, ask, “Did I get that right?” If not, ask them to explain (Duhigg, 2024).
Examples of questions: “What’s really important to you about this?” “Why do you believe what you believe about this?” “What have been some of your influences?”
In an interview on American Psychological Association podcasts, Michael Yeomans shares, “one of the most powerful ways to encourage receptiveness in others is to be receptive yourself” (2024). He notes that it’s natural for others to notice a speaker’s tone and reflect it back in their own responses. During conversations, it can help to pay attention to your own tone of voice and body language.
In conclusion, there are many ways to shift toward constructive conversations. It may not be easy, but it is possible and so critical to the process of building relationships.
Do any of these communication keys resonate with you? If so, is there one or more you’d like to experiment with in your own laboratory of life?
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. No content is a substitute for consulting with a qualified mental health or healthcare professional.
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